Growing up and pipe dreams and Hiddlebum and Bumblebutt Cabinetlatch

My disposition has improved slightly; I have been listening to a lot of Ariana Grande. She is surprisingly talented and her spin on pop is kinda cute and she is projecting maturity through her songs and hopefully not go through a 'Dirrty' phase. I quite like who she is right now. 

I believe that I have outgrew several things in my life. The obsession with hot young youtubers (especially Jack and Finn Harries), hot boyband people, I mean I still like them, though my once fire-red 'love' for them has now turned a dull-ish mellow shade of pink. I am quite fine with that, though I'd probably fall in love with them again if they wrote better songs that aren't all so poppy and cheerful. Something from the heart would be nice. 

I have also discovered that I have a fondness for British men in their thirties (Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch) It's quite annoying really, they never seem to leave my head. I am to be in England soon (InsyaAllah) and I can't wait to see plays and musicals in London! (Especially those starring those two). I also would like to be involved in theatre (mostly scriptwriting or acting) but one has to start from the bottom. So whatever really, I just want to work in the theatre to get a taste of it. And of course to be in law. I'd love to be a lawyer someday... But the stage... 

It's always been a dilemma of mine really... I was always unable to determine if me wanting to act and being in the film business was only a pipe dream or something I really wanted. I always told myself I'd never know if I didn't have a taste of what either career could offer. In other news, I have a pimple on my ear and I bought a booklight. That is all that is new. Bye i guess bye all i love you all two/one of you

What people do when they are bored

I'm currently in a library studying for law. 

Boring isn't it? 

No. Not at first. You're extremely geared up for it for about 20 minutes and after that it's just boring and all this silence just makes you sleepy... Concentration is a state of mind and honestly I'm never in it for very long. Another hour to go in the library and honest to God I can't bear the thought of studying economics-- but since my recent failure(s) in my A-level exams I don't think I have a choice. Economics isn't my favourite subject because it incorporates mathemical and analytical logic into social theory. It uses Mathematics and graphs to proove social theories. (All so VERY, VERY fun) 

Though I much prefer law or literature, economics does hold its own by actually being rather interesting (on days when I feel like thinking and using my brain). And its amazing for uni applications so who knows? I might actually realise this before it's too late and maybe do better than I ever expected! Insya Allah. (It means God willing) So, I'm stopping myself from stopping myself from progressing. Auf Wiedersehen (correct me if I'm wrong) interweb! 

The Cyclical Romance

Hello! The poems are back. I normally write free verse because I can't be arsed to seek words that rhyme. Voila! This one came from watching many films and me feeling grief that was thrown upon me by people I've never me-- Yes. Nevermind. Enjoy :) 

Love makes me weak 

makes me whole 

Love makes me wish

for nothing but your cruel soul

Love whispers and speaks of you

With absolute admiration 

Love weakened me

Opened me 

To you.

Love succeeded. I was entrapped.

When you knew you had victory,

I was no longer

The sunrise of your day at noon.

I was no longer 

The 'claire de lune' of your starry nights

When you liked to be especially French.

Love was never this painful,

Never this harsh,

Love was never anything,

Before I loved you. 

A Period of Piety and Patience

Good lorddddd. I have been too emotionally uneventful and fat-arsed lazy to be creative and use my thumbsss to type. However now, I feel its time where things are piling up again and I want to retch. Right, if you're a Muslim, you're probably quite tired, though you feel slightly purer than before or just more religious. It's *drumroll* Ramadhan!! Around twenty days too late about the announcement but the novelty of the situation blurred the hunger and fatigue. Now, its gotten to be a routine and I'm pretty knackered. And it is only... 8.50 in the morning. However in this month we may be more tired, but we are more thankful and aware of what we have. 

I just thought of fluffy pancakes and syrup. 

MOVING ON. 

I realise I have not been so studious and the little type A bookworm in me is screaming in pain as she sees what I do with my spare time (watching the food network) while people are doing worthwhile things with their lives I am plotting dinner menus for the family. 

In the last ten days of Ramadhan I have been feeling more fatigued than usual (Ramadhan usual) I'm finding it more and more difficult to actually focus and do what I'm supposed to do; like pray 5 times a day, study, basically I'm finding it difficult to go about my (ideal) preferred routine. It's less difficult in non-Ramadhan time, obviously. 

In case you didn't know, in Ramadhan it is believed and relied upon that satan is locked away and that there shall be no encouragement of bad deeds. Also the angels and the souls of the deceased are allowed to roam around. So even with satan locked away I'm still comitting sins like oversleeping till I miss subuh (early morning prayer that must be done before sunrise) and not feeling a higher degree of remorse for it. 

It has been worrying me, I've been thinking that I'm some lost cause and the devil resides within me and I will perish in hell for all eternity. This is when I get a little terrified and go conduct my prayers. I have missed subuh this morning and I am allowed to qada' (replace) in the next session of prayers so to speak; which is Zohor (afternoon prayers). It isn't time yet so I am free. 

So Eid is almost here and I'm fat. Shocker, shocker. But I am very excited for Eid but a little sad that only three people remembered I was a Muslim and was about celebrate my religious holiday and wished me. I'm not entitled to respect, it's just called courtesy and manners. So yeah. Everyone's kind of being an asshat. Im going to stop typing and ranting; Happy Hari Raya!! 

*Once again, it's happening...*

*cue Lykke Li's song* 

Its happened again, it's a horrible thing, where I ignore the inevitable and fantasise about the idyllic unlikely. Honestly, I'm starting to view it as a coping mechanism  for my lackluster, physically dull though -- mentally adventurous life.

In other words nothing much happens to me in the way that I want them to happen. 

Like my bloody personal life. I somewhat suck at being interesting or rememberable, at best. Though, it's a process with me. At the beginning of most friendships I will appear at every cornerstone you see with a smile and an unwanted opinion to further assert why I should be your friend by implying that I am well-read, easygoing, and (I'd like to think so) funny or witty. There, there you have very desirable qualities in which you would like and eventually enjoy and later tolerate; in a friendship. However do they last? Even if they do, they're more or less ordinary. Like you would find them in any person at the beginning of a budding friendship; it isn't all that rare or unique to find someoene who is easygoing and pleasant and elegantly humouros... AT FIRST. If the friendship is mutual (this is has often been the idyllic situation in my life, though it has happened a few times; I'm not a total loser) its probably the best kind of friendship between two equals who equally (most times) adore each other. However, insecurity in one, or both could actually cloud the obvious but unspoken truth that they actually enjoy each others company and opinion (occasionally). This happens to me a lot, where I have played both parts. I have been the limpet of a friend who is like a shadow to the other and I have also been the friend who gets her shit done on her own and has friends to hang out with when I want to (only several times; sadly I am not pretty enough to be a cool lone wolf with homies) 

And then, when it's budding, you start to be a little more honest, and straightforward, and I personally will start to distance myself from any further affection. (Yes, I actually do that) and then when they catch on, I begin to feel neglected (Coming to realise why I only have like 5 friends) and I start being needy again and after that saga, honesty begins and only after that I actually start being friends with someone. (Coming to realise why it took me two years to actually be comfortable with one person)

Another misfortune is that the friends I want to see are really far away, and two phrases come to mind. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' and 'Out of sight and out of mind'. So far, with a few friends, the latter phrase applies. 

Basically I was insecure about a lot of things and that made me doubt and degrade my value as a thinking human being. After being at boarding school, I learnt independence and began to enjoy my newly gained solitude and independence from my family and usual friends that I had temporarily left behind. I became a little less dependent of people I had just met, though after graduating over a year later, I returned to my old habits where I become mousey and less expressive with my opinions. Though, come to think of it, I don't think I was ever brave. But the point was me becoming more adventurous and daring because I'm rather tired of being ignored and being walked over because I'm too S  H Y to speak my mind. I should never cease to keep quiet and reserved. Sometimes I should keep quiet, but I think I may possibly it too often. 

Right so I only ever blog when I'm in an existential crisis. So, it felt nice to vent and to verbally motivate myself to be a little more expressive :) Yeeeaaah! Yay expression of feelings of thoughts! Woohoo! Probably would be more effective and genuine if I hadn't...used sarcasm....

Now, a very Marcus Butler adieu for you. 

BYYYYEEEEEEEE *awkward hand gestures* 

Nothing of Importance

I have very little to say, which is rather uncommon of me. I always have some skewered perspective to share with people who seem not to care or people who don't actually have the patience to follow my train of thought. Todays topic is TRAVELLING! I have always loved the idea of being abroad and seeing new sights and generally, just being away from my usual scene. It's honestly good fun when you're with friends or family and you're all away on vacation and you get to see new things. I haven't done that in a while and it makes me rather sad. Mostly because it's rather pricy to transport a large family across a country and everyone seems to have something going on that delays the trip. But we are going away soon and even though it's not very far it's still a vacation to some place we've never been. I sincerely hope that I get to feel happy again. Travelling as a form of escapism... In literal truth it kind of is but what I feel, I think is more spiritual *burns incense and meditates ironically* I guess the feeling that I get to be somewhere new is nice and I get to explore and be a tourist and have people offer me nice things. I mostly want to leave my country and live elsewhere but there is always that tiny voice in my head that tells me I will in fact miss my country one day. It never said I would regret it though. So I remain optimistic about it. Another thing is that I sort of resent my past and I tend to look back on my awkwardest moments and marinate in my own embarassment. My past times. Great. I'll probably end up insecure and confused all my life. And in my head, migrating and creating a new life is a way for me to escape my past [I wasn't troubled or anything I just have a lot of awkward moments with a lot of people in a small-ish country where everyone is so well-connected for some reason] Compared to other peoples problems, mine don't seem so bad. I'll live with them and ignore all of them forever. Yay! Another form of escapism!

The Jam-Packed Day

So, I am at an airport now, and truth be told, I have missed hanging around airports pretending I'm some lost tourist. The things I don't miss are the... screaming babies, suspicious looking actual tourists ermm...yes that seems to be about it. Though in general, I love airports because it makes me feel independent and -- I CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT THIS FAMILY SITTING NEXT TO ME IN A RESTAURANT (Granted, it's KFC but I like to think I'm some sort of classy lady) It's an adorable one, an interracial marriage actually. I happen to love those (Do I want one? Yes most likely) He, is a Middle-Eastern man who is married to an Oriental woman (Chinese, Taiwanese, Hongkie) and they have such adorable little POLITE and QUIET children. After they left and I, had a small burger for a big amount of cash, left for the gates.

Now, I arrive at the gates an hour before my plane arrives and I start reading my book, quite happily. Though, about 20 minutes before the departure they still have not called us to board. So no one thought it would be important to tell the passengers that there was going to be a delay. Fantabulous. 

And this lady next to me, kept a good book in her husbands backpack and only to whip out the fifty shades darker novel and I mentally flipped. I mean like IN AN AIRPORT???! Lady, keep it in your rucksack. So, long story short, I eventually got on the wretched plane. While cringing mentally. 

You know of the no electronics being on during take off and landing rule right, so I switched my phone off because I am a good citizen. But my laptop wasn't specifically 'off' it was on 'sleep'. It was in my backpack in the overhead compartment and throughout the first half hour of the flight I basically imagined the plane not being able to take off, my laptop exploding or the plane basically free-falling through the sky because my laptop was not 'turned off'. Yeah. But I survived because I lived to tell the tale of a never-ending paranoia that is my blessed life. 

Then, I went to get a taxi to go to my school. I noticed a 'city taxi' counter and I immediately noticed that it was cheaper than the airport taxi. And I am happy that I am being more economical. Go me! 

So the cabbie is an alright man though his pronounciation is a little dodgy. That should've been the first sign. The place I was headed to was called 'Mantin' though my cabbie heard 'Banting' which sounds annoyingly similar. And WONDERFULLY FOR ME, they are at the opposite ends of the state... So I discover the error just 10 kilometers before Banting and we end up turning back and asking a taxi driver resting on the side of the road. He knew the way, lucky us! Haha. Hah. Ha.

Though my cabbie kept reminding me of the mistake... Which got pretty annoying. And he kept turning his window down and asking people in their cars where the college was located. Hey, at least I got to be where I needed to be. An hour later. Thanks to Malaysia also for bad signage. 

So when I got to my college it was really nice and it felt as though I never left. Which felt weird because I hadn't been there for almost a year. But nonetheless, I felt at home and it was me returning to somewhere I loved and missed so much. Though save one awkward moment when I had to hang out with a bunch of people I wasn't too close to. Though I did meet a buddy's boyfriend. So that was nice :) 

In other words I was having a good time and I did not want to leave anytime soon. Time came faster than the warming of my heart and the dissipation of my troubles while I was basking in the depths of simple comfort and happiness my friends offered me. I had missed them so much. It is impossible to isolate and neglect how happy I was when I was there. So, if I were to ever conjure a Patronus Charm I'd probably use some memories from my visit or my stay in the school. 

However, despite meeting most of my friends, I failed to meet my French teacher and the teacher that helmed the trip to the USA. That, I regret quite heavily. 

It's been a long day, and I managed to get a 10% discount of Lindt Lindor chocolate which was yummy and still yummy after 6 pieces of chocolates. And me and my sisters had an actual conversation with le père. Unusual and pleasant surprise! Then I got home to eat and finish this story. With some (a lot) of food. Cuz that's just the way I do it. 

Peace out suckers.

No, that's not really me. Okay yeah Goodnight everyone. [I suspect I am talking to no one, but I am able to imagine I have many people reading my blog] Goodnight....

Unearthing My Buried Troubles

I have never spoken of my boarding school experience. Never. Not once here.  It has always been something that I hold dear and I fear that I hold a small but condensed portion of my past too dearly and closely. I feel I need to loosen my ironclad grip and not isolate them as my sole happy memory. Now, it is all I think about, and I have now been gone for a year. It is slightly dangerous that I think of the past so much, weaving dead dreams and lost hopes into it that it turns into a fully imagined and fantasised memory. I want to be able to create new memories worthy of my looking back on them but I am rather unhappy in my current school; for many valid reasons. I seem to put certain memories and people on pedestals and I wish to do that no more. It is detrimental to my own happiness putting it in something that no longer exists. I've watched enough movies and read enough books to know that what I am going to do is difficult but it is the right thing. 

Sorry to sound like such a complete emotional wreck but honestly no one has the time to listen or they have better things to do like fluff pillows and re-fold towels. Or grating their forehead. Oookay. Bye...

This is not a poem

Yes I realise I've been rather poetic. I sort of take pride in that. Though, there is one thing that I cannot be proud of. 

I can't type fast.

It's more horrid than you might think and I'm right handed so I basically use my left hand at a limited amount. Yes, I feel bad for my left hand. Yes; I feel bad that I am not ambidextrous. 

Moving on, I have just one examination left and I am not going to talk a lot about on the matter. Save for the fact that I feel like I have literally gone blank on the topic and my exam is tomorrow. 

Brilliant. 

In other news, I am addicted to Sherlock [the tv series, and the films]. I have yet to start on the books, though I've already bought the entire collection. Good times lie before me. 

The other thing which occurs every night is my evergrowing paranoia of someone behind my house. [Just a little nugget of information, I'm live-blogging about this]. I hear sounds that might not even be suspicious in the daylight; but the fact that they are at night makes me think of the most horrible things. Ok done with that. Partially. I will just suppress my paranoia like a normal person. And will probably live with a mental illness later in life. Though I refuse to look on the bad side. [anymore]. 

Random Thoughts That Popped Into My Head While Writing 

- Benedict Cumberbacth is an excellent specimen of ASS like DAAAYYUUMM.

- God dammit he should play Lord Goring [from the play An Ideal Husband] if there is to be a film one day!

And that concludes my nuance for tonight thank you for being here you were a terrific audience! Silent! Just the way people behave when I tell an 'interesting' story! 

Goodnight...! 

Our Parting

It's so refreshing to be alone

I no longer look forward to your criticism.

I no longer look forward to your approval.

I believe I am quite content in solitude. 

All because I outgrew you

And your age-old tactics

They are so sweet; but I couldn't take 

Too much of a good thing. 

You must keep them 

For those who wish to flourish in your company. 

Like the falling leaves in autumn,

I didn't fall because I chose to,

I fell because it was time to

We needed to grow on our own.

And I believe; our parting was a gift,

To being happy on our own. 

Of You and I

I stand alone

At the cliff of my world's end

The waves thrash against rocks

As sharp as your wit 

As misleading as the lies I loved

I lean back because I know better

I do not want to meet my end.

But, beneath the waves,

Your face glimmers beneath it

Your arms are wide and they are open

Someone to catch me

When I fall

My poor heart fills with all that is heavenly 

My young mind dances to the thought

Of You and I.

As I fall faster and further to you,

I see that my poor heart has been deceived.

It will always be quick to believe you

And your lies

That I cannot help;

But at least now,

It will not believe anything anymore.

Dreaming When You're Down

It is almost like a cure to a wound, 

or a painkiller to counter the brief agony Dreaming when you're down. 

You don't necessarily intend to live the dream; 

but the knowledge that a better future awaits 

seems so comforting. 

An amalgamation of the wonderful

but impossible turn of events. 

The dream hugs you 

and strokes you on your withered back, touches you on your tear-stained cheek.     Then it tells you,

with its soft fingers

caressing your chin,

'It's a beautiful dream you dreamt' 

and nothing else. 

What else can you get when you dream a dream that cannot be lived?

An old lover coming round the bend with-Roses! In his hands and an apology! 

in his-- teary eyes? 

But what next? 

It's sadness 

for the happiness you've never got

Though for some

Once was one time too much

And you, retreated into the darkness

Into the dream you dreamt

And I, the lonely heart am left 

In your darkness

In the dream you dreamt. 

Carra, The Enterprise and a half done economics paper

Right, so the title pretty much sums up my whole day. Also, interesting fact... The power was out! From about 10.30 to about 3.30 the power was out and it was driving me out of my mind. Lucky for us, it wasn't too hot! 

Today, Jamie Carragher plays his last match for Liverpool. I was rather emotional at the start. I mean, I watched him growing up. He was always there, making scoring a goal difficult for strikers. Liverpool without him is almost like Manchester United without Sir Alex. I would compare Carra to Bill Shankly, but frankly I wouldn't know. I certainly wasn't around for Shankly's reign. Though, he's one awesome man, (an understatement, I know). But Carra and Sir Alex have been solid figures in both their clubs and they're both (along with Scholes) are retiring, which marks a huge change in both clubs. Sure, players come and go, but Jamie Carragher came, and he stayed till the end of his career. Quite like Sir Alex. Legends, the both of them. Freaking awesome men. It will be very odd not to see his name on the team sheets next season. Thanks Carra. 

On to the Enterprise. I have made it explicitly clear that I want to watch the second Star Trek film solely because of Benedict Cumberbatch. I've seen part of the first one and I must say I do quite enjoy it. It's a cool franchise, one that I used to think as a Star Wars spin off (please nobody kill me). Now I am quite excited to see the rest of the film and of course the second one! I nearly cried in the first ten minutes of the film; who wouldn't really? The fact that he can laugh just seconds before his inevitable death-- made my heart shrink a little okay. Love Star Trek so far.

Obviously with all of this going on, econs would lose the battles. So it was The Enterprise over The Infaltion rate of country whatever and it was Carra over whatever topic I was trying to read. 

Regrets will be expressed in silent repressed agony in the exam hall. Goodnight all.xx

Days where I feel like my life is going nowhere

Hey internet! (Signature danisnotonfire opening line). This is my second day on the diet and I am feeling funny. Funny, because I'm managing. So, I feel fine, I'm still not compelled to exercise; don't know when I'll ever be. Yes, so I'm okay! I stuffed myself at lunch. But now, I have applied the same philosophy Dr. Sonya said to Lily when she was pregnant. So technically, I can eat between meals, only (this must be read in a Slavic-ish accent)

"Just a little bit" 

It is actually working! I am so happy! Diets really don't last long for me. Shorter than I care to admit. Right. Okay. I have just completed three A-Level papers and the next one is in three days. I have yet to do any studying because my future means so frickin much to me right now. I absolutely hate Econs. Yet I must ace it to get into university, which means a lot to me. Education is all I have. Literally. I have no other legitimate (admit it, fangirling and reading books and watching tv shows won't get me paid) form of fulfillment other than studying and knowing that I'm smart. Plus, the knowledge that someone somewhere has to hire me because they need me. And it's basically impossible to hire a dumb lawyer. I'm not dumb-ish, I'm of wonderful and witty above-average intelligence. (Yay for me!) *continues daydreaming till the day before exams* 

Not hungry, just bored.

I really just want to eat. And not exercise. And eat. I mean I am not totally unhealthy; I actually like fruits and vegetables... But to be deprived of the bad good stuff (i.e fries, meat, fish, bread, jam, peanut butter, cake-- it goes on) for TEN DAYS?? Where do I unsubscribe?

To make everything a little clearer, I am on a diet. A Korean man, has designed an organic replacement meal to have twice a day, (So, it's your breakfast and dinner, you can have whatever you want for lunch). You mix it with water and that's your meal. It's not awful tasting but it's not good tasting either. I guess for diet food, this is pretty okay. So, I started the dietary endeavour this morning and, the man on the box (the sachets come in boxes) said you wouldn't be hungry. And I wasn't. It does keep you full-ish, but then again, you don't only eat when you're hungry; you basically eat whenever you feel like it. So that's the actual challenge. Restraining yourself from eating. However to curb hunger pangs, you're allowed to eat raw or steamed fruits and vegetables. Nothing else. Nothing. Okay. I can do this. Sure I can. It's just self-control. 

The fact that everyone else is eating whenever and whatever they want is a little agonising. I plan to avoid all contact with people and study economics. And watch movies, tv shows and read books till I'm tired. This is going to last ten days. Nine more to go. And the fact that my grandmother is coming over just makes it worse. She loves to cook, moreover, she loves cooking for us. I do hope she understands these dietary stuff. It's all right really. There are ALWAYS leftovers. I'll make sure of it. 

I'm taking it simply because I cannot afford to gain anymore weight and predominantly, being this unhealthy. I mean being unhealthy takes a toll on a whole bunch of different things. It's not just not having low self-esteem because you aren't able to buy clothes you want. Things like participating in rigorous physical activities is reduced and somewhat embarassing because you're the unfittest of the lot. (I was always keen on football, rock climbing, snorkelling, martial arts) Oh! and dancing! But not like how the people in clubs do it. Easily, almost all of them are intoxicated with overconfidence and ballsy-ness. They're just basically tottering about the dance floor exclaiming gibberish. I meant dancing as something that was more along the lines of tango or modern dance or even zumba. Basically dancing with sober people who can actually dance. I mean did do some of those things, but it was still difficult because of my weight and low energy level. It was truly sad to know I was too big (physically) for something. Now.... 

I've just started and hunger pangs don't really happen that often. As I've said, its boredom that really gets you. So, if one is bored one shall not stuff thy face.